It's Okay If You Can't Climb to the Top of the Jungle Gym Today

(These Pictures are from September 2012)

I've been meaning to post about this since about this day, but I learned an important lesson about forgiving myself after going to the park with some other mom's and their kids for play time at the park this day.

Here's what happened: We were playing around at the park and near the end Eli got my hand and we climbed the big jungle gym together with the other children. The platforms are made out of metal with a grid of holes so that you can look down and see how high you are, and Eli was getting pretty scared as we climbed. I don't have a picture but there is a little ladder to the very very top where there is a little circle tower with toy things on the walls I think, anyway, we were just to the bottom of that ladder and the other kids were climbing up and having fun at the very top, and Eli wanted to go but he was just so scared. In the end, I held him up and I helped him climb up there (he chose to do it). I was so proud of him for trying. As soon as we got to the top of the ladder though, that was it, Eli clung to the ground and cried and just wanted down, so I carried him back down the ladder.

On this post you get to learn too much about me to find out the lesson, so here is a secret or two, so that you will understand my point. For that past few years I've been feeling really guilty about something that I didn't do in high school. A boy that I knew, committed suicide a few years ago. It had to do with a lot of issues, his life took a walk down a dark path. I've felt badly partly because I have often wondered if I couldn't have helped him more back when we were in high school. He was a year younger than me, but he transferred into one of my elective classes (yes I am being pointedly vague :-)). I didn't really know him well, but I knew him well enough that I should have said hi and pulled him in under my wing and introduced him to my friends, but I didn't. I wonder if it could have changed his life somehow, but that is something that I cannot go back and change. Around the time we went to the park in the story above I was praying a lot about how to repent and be able to forgive myself. 

The thought came one night, were you upset with Eli for not being able to climb that jungle gym? answer: no. Is he somehow going to be something less for the rest his existence even if he never goes back to that same park again and climbs to the top of that exact jungle gym? no. Then the thoughts came, the important thing is that Eli will learn and grow and eventually, he will understand enough to know that the playground structure is going to hold him fine and that he's safe, once he's more free of those fears, then he will learn how much fun it is to climb up there and he will become stronger and less afraid of life. Eventually he will find a jungle gym and climb it and over all he will have learned to climb them, even if he never gets back to that same one. And I could feel Heavenly Father telling me, you my daughter are the same. When I was in high school, I lived mostly on the "fake it, 'till you make it" confidence. I put up a really good front, and I did have lots of friends, but inwardly I was really very shy when it came to speaking to just one person and I wasn't always sure how to approach people. I basically always arrived to school late pretty much because I didn't want that awkwardness I felt when it came to trying to figure out which group to join to talk to and how to do it. Looking back at myself this was ridiculous because they were my friends, but it was still my fear. It was more than I could do with my limitations at that time to bring that boy in the way I would be able to now that I have learned and grown and become stronger and less afraid. God and I'm sure that boy, will not hold that against me any more than I would ever look down at Eli for not climbing to the top of the play structure that one particular day.

In our lives, we often regret or suffer feelings guilt for things that we just need to remind ourselves were meant to be hard. And just because we couldn't climb to the top that day it is okay, because we will learn and get stronger and see more playgrounds and have more chances to look at it and learn and figure out how to get to the top without fear. We are meant to be faced with tasks that we are going to have to learn to do through first making mistakes.

"27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

 28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that ^afaith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all ^brighteousness. (Ether 12:27-28)"

I think this is how Heavenly Father sees us, children who are still learning to trust Him when He says. Don't worry, I'm with you, you will be alright, just follow my guidance it just looks scary because you can see through the holes on these metal platforms and look down at how high you are, but it's safe, I'll hold your hand and this won't fall, I'm sure of it. Just trust in your Heavenly Father, who knows the end from the beginning and who knows who you are and what you can become. I'm not upset with you for not being able to climb this time, let's walk through this and work on it together, we'll conquer this fear and weakness hand in hand so that you will find freedom and joy in the knowledge of how things truly are and how the world around us works.

Let The Lord Support You How You Need to Be Supported

(So, this picture is about a year old, but this is Eli and his Cousin Kip on a playground in Clarkston, Washington)

So, the other day Eli and I went to the park for a picnic/play date, which was a lot of fun, and I learned something important while helping Eli on the playground equipment. Eli's a little afraid of things that he hasn't tried much before, and periodically afraid of high places. The other kids were climbing this ladder up to a really high place on the playground and he wanted to go too, but he was scared, so he wanted me to help him, but what he wanted me to do was hold his hand. As those of you who know anything about climbing a ladder know, it is best to use both of your hands when climbing a ladder. It in fact makes it more difficult to climb a ladder if someone is trying to hold your hand while you do it. I tried to show Eli that I could hold his sides to help him up, but he just didn't feel supported unless I was actually holding his hand. Luckily, the ladder wasn't long, so I could climb by him holding his hand in this case :-), but I learned something from this experience.

Sometimes we really have in our head what we think would be the most helpful thing for God to do. I know I think sometimes, just tell me which way to go or if I just didn't have such and such an issue this would work out a lot better, so can you take it away or make it better please? But often I end up in that case being like Eli was that day, insisting that Heavenly Father hold my hand while I try and climb a ladder. Heavenly Father is looking at me and trying to tell me that in fact what I'm asking for will make climbing my ladder more difficult, and it will not teach me proper climbing mechanics, so that when I am faced with a ladder in the future I will still not know how to climb it, yet I sit stubbornly with my hand outstretched, refusing to understand why He doesn't just grab on and help me climb. It reminds me some of that footprints poem that the person could only see one set of footprints in the sand when the Lord was carrying him. Often, I have trouble seeing how the Lord is supporting me all along until after the fact, or I am often surprised how God's help does come, sometimes in ways or messages that I didn't expect. And though I know I struggle with patience, when I am patient and my mind is calm I am receptive to answers around me that I could not have noticed with my hand thrust out only concentrating on that mode of help. Especially, in the case when it's a puzzle. I don't know if I'm the only one who gets answers like this, but sometimes when I finally calm down about whatever crisis I am facing, the Holy Spirit brings to my mind snip its of conversations or little bits of inspiration, that once I add it all up is the answer I have been praying for. And it's as though a little voice whispers, see Jenna, I was helping you all along, now do you see why this is the answer or why your way was not the best? or yeah see you were right it's all okay.

I think we forget that God has a lot of ways to help and support us. Sometimes holding hands on the playground is the best way, like when walking across a shaky-bridge other times you just need someone at the bottom of the slide to catch you. Just like I have spent much more time on playgrounds that little Eli has, so I know how better often how to help him across different equipment, God being all knowing knows best how I need to be helped across my obstacles and through my trials.

All of the talking of hands makes me think of Isaiah 49:16 "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

 

God loves us, and He will help us through the playground obstacles of life.

Sometimes close is good enough :-)

These two pictures show Eli wearing his "Mater Christmas" shirt for Valentines Day this year

Here's Eli with his "tractor" on his back :-)

As Eli has been learning to dress himself, I have been been learning some important lessons about life. Like most kids, Eli often gets his shirt and/or his pants on backwards. Also, he doesn't really care about what day it is. On Valentine's Day, I tired to talk him into wearing a Valentine's T-shirt he randomly owns. I was like "yeah! he actually fits in it to wear it on the right day!" but He decided that he would rather wear a Christmas shirt :-).

But the main thing I've been learning is that close is sometimes good enough. I mean the Christmas shirt was red, so he still looked like he was wearing Valentine's Day stuff anyway, and in the end, the goal is to have him wearing clothes right? The most important thing is that Eli is learning to dress himself. He's learning how clothes work, that some keep you warmer than others. He's learning how things feel when you put them on different ways. Eli is creating his own style one day at a time.

I think sometimes we need to let ourselves know that we are still learning, and that the most important thing isn't that everything is done just "the right way." In many ways we are still learning just like Eli. Heavenly Father sent us to Earth to learn and grow, not to do everything right in one day. Maybe I'm still not a very good housekeeper but I'm learning, and in the end no one is in any danger of death upon entering my house, so maybe for now close is good enough. I'm still learning that somethings should be done in a certain order. Like, I need to clean the closets some before I will be able to organize things that need to be put away into them. In my current house, I need to do the dishes before I can do the laundry (draining issues). But the fact that I am trying, and that I am figuring out what techniques do and don't work for me is really the most important thing right now.

This goes for all sorts of things in our lives. Maybe I didn't know the perfect thing to tell a friend who was having a hard time, but the most important thing was that I tried and I did or said something. Or at least started with the thought to do it. And for now close is good enough. Close still helped.

Obviously, the goal is to move to be able to do things perfectly, but in God's eyes we are still children, just like Eli, and He doesn't expect us to do everything perfectly quickly, anymore than I expect that Eli will start being able to take care of his clothes starting tomorrow :-)

It Feels Good to Be Clean

(I was going to put up a picture of Eli and his cousin Kippy in the tub, but I couldn't find a clear one that didn't have one or the other unduly exposed, and once something's on the internet it's there forever, including when they are both 16, so I thought I'd save them :-))

"What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common" (Acts 10:15)

"...there can no man be saved except his ^bgarments are washed white; yea, his garments must be ^cpurified until they are cleansed from all stain, through the blood of him of whom it has been spoken by our fathers, who should come to redeem his people from their sins." (Alma 5:21)

"And may the Lord bless you, and keep your garments spotless, that ye may at last be brought to sit down with ^aAbraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the holy prophets who have been ever since the world began, having your garments ^bspotless even as their garments are spotless, in the kingdom of heaven to go no more out." (Alma 7:25)

"...purify your hearts, and ^ccleanse your hands and your feet before me, that I may make you ^dclean;" (D&C 88:74)



I know that I don't usually start with scripture like that but I'm about to tell you some "Mom" storied involving diapers and things so I thought I'd at least start on a good note for those of you who may be squeamish about the rest of this post. :-)

The thought about being clean came to me last night after we had gone through what has become an all too familiar episode with Eli. I cuddled, snuggled, and sang to Eli and he wasn't going to sleep so I told him goodnight and let him put himself to sleep. He was taking a long time, and Josh said "I wonder if he has a dirty diaper?" I checked on him once and the diaper was clean, and of course we didn't check again later. So, as I'm making Josh's lunch we hear a scream of waking from Eli and we come in and not only did he have a dirty diaper, but as is his habit lately he had reached in and started smearing the poop on his bed (embarrassing stories are different than pictures if you are thinking of the caption above). So, I took the half asleep Eli to the bathroom and started scrubbing his hands and part of his arm and taking wipes to his hair and Josh stripped the bedding and put on a clean sheet and clean pillow case and got me a clean shirt, and we got Eli a clean diaper. Finally, we had it all cleaned up and as I laid down to snuggle next to Eli and sing to him, I looked at his bed and him and thought what a wonderful thing it is to be clean.

I think that is how life is too. How good it feels to be clean. This comes in lots of ways, when we are done with a project and we can "wash our hands of it." Even when we physically do finally get something clean, but especially the way it feels when we take care of something that we have been feeling guilty about. I love that feeling when I can say "gee I'm really glad that I didn't say anything" instead of "oh no, now why did I have to say it and like that!" Sometimes though it's really hard, you look at that yuck stuck to you and think maybe it's just a part of me now, it's who I am. But it's not, it really isn't. I used to teach this little boy at church who has autism, and it's pretty severe, he doesn't even speak, but there was an autism specialist that came to talk to us and help us and she said something really profound. She said "I hate it when people say 'Autistic child' when they should really say 'child with Autism'." And it is true. I would often take the boy in our class for walks when class was becoming too much for him, and I would look at him and there was this perfect little child, with amazing abilities, who just happened to have Autism. We are like him too. I am not a stubborn person who is only defined by stubbornness, no matter what anyone, including myself says, I am a daughter of God, the Supreme Being, The Creator, and I have talents and abilities that are of great worth to those around me, and I happen to be afflicted with stubbornness at the moment, but it doesn't have to be an eternal thing.

One of Eli's favorite phrases right now is "Mama will wash." He's so cute because he even holds his hand out as if to say "it's okay" sometimes he even says "it's okay, Mama will wash." Even when his Teddy and Harold (those are his favorite bears) get dirty, he's calmed by "it's okay, Mama will wash." And I think of our Savior, who must just look at us and with tears in his eyes say, "don't worry, it's okay, Jesus will wash. I came here to save you and that what I intend to do, I can't make you let me help you, but you can't stop me from calling. I am the Good Shepherd, and no matter what you do, no matter how far you go, no matter how hard it looks, I'm still here, and I'm still calling for you. I know you're dirty and you did things that you weren't supposed to do, but it's okay. Let me pick it up with you. Let me help you." and again "it's okay, Jesus will wash"

Just like Eli's clothes and toys can be cleaned, so can we.

Heavenly Father Really Truly Does Want Us to Be Happy

It has occurred to me that some of these topics might end up being similar as we go along, but I mean them with a little bit of a new light I guess you would say.

I was thinking about this the other day. We have been moving around a lot lately, specifically since last August we've gone from Connecticut to Utah to Oregon. All of the moving around is hard enough for an adult, but has really been hard on poor little Eli. But, recently we just had a really good day. Not that anything really spectacular happened, but we were out at the coast and we went to garage sales, and as I was putting Elijah down for his nap, I just could tell how happy he was. And, nothing could have made me happier at that moment than just seeing Eli happy. I can't really tell you the joy and peace of knowing that Eli was just as happy as could be.

I know Heavenly Father is happy too when we stop and feel grateful for what we have and are content even if nothing huge is going on. We don't need a trip to Disneyland to be happy. Heavenly Father has given us this Earth and so much, the sun, the smell of cut grass (for those of us who aren't allergic to it :-)). And it really goes a long way if we take time, even in trials to stop and just be happy about the good things that are in this world.

You Can Always Turn To God, Even When You're Kind Of Upset With His Plan

I was thinking the other day about how sometimes poor little Eli has got quite the conundrum on his hands. On the one hand, he is mad at Mommy because I did something that he did not want me to do, like put his toy in time out that he was using to hit things he shouldn't. On the other hand, Mommy is the one who comforts him when he is upset, so though he is mad at Mommy, she is the one that he wants to cuddle him at the moment.

I was thinking about that with Heavenly Father. Sometimes I get upset with things that happen or have happened in my life, because I don't understand them completely. Usually, they are the things that I didn't have control over or that I felt like I should have had control over, but sometimes they are things that I was allowed to do to myself. But the amazing thing is, that no matter how I feel about what's going on, God still wants me to turn to him. Just like with Eli, no matter why he's mad at me, he could have just been beating me over the head with a stick that I took away, I still want him to turn to me. I still love him just as much, and I want him to come to me still. I want my little boy to come so that I can help him feel better and try to help him understand why what I did had to happen that way. I know that Heavenly Father's the same way, except with perfect love for each and everyone of us. He doesn't care how you feel about Him or anything in life, He still wants you to pray and talk with Him about it. He's longing to help us understand, He's longing to give us the recipe to turn our life's lemons into the best lemonade in creation.

I was actually reading today in Alma 5, where we learn about things that we should be doing, and even in this chapter where Alma is totally calling the people to repentance, he reminds the people about how God brings people from darkness to light, about His all encompassing powers to redeem us, and turn our corruption into in-corruption. The Good Shepard calls us still. No matter where we are and no matter how we feel. He wants us to turn to Him and learn to be the happiest we can possibly be.

God Can't Direct Our Footsteps Unless We Are Moving Our Feet

I've been thinking about this one a lot lately. I don't know who the quote is from anymore, but it is true that "God cannot direct your footsteps unless you are moving your feet." As Elijah's gotten into being a toddler his feet have been moving more and more lately. Like many toddlers they carry him everywhere and into everything! But, I was thinking in the end what a great thing that really is for him. It's because he was so interested in the sink that I let him do dishes (obviously no knives) with me. Since he's by my side most of the time, I get to tell him how things work and show him new toys. He's found our shoes and can try them on. Of course, he does get into a lot of things that he's not supposed to and he gets really frustrated when I have to take him away from things and places he can't have, but it's worth that cost for all of the great things he does get to do. Another remarkable thing is how he can usually be distracted by reminding him about something that he can have.

I was thinking about this with life lately. Josh and I have had a lot of changes in life, and we really aren't sure sometimes what we are supposed to be doing. Sometimes I want to just give up, but then I look at little Eli. We need to keep moving our feet just like him. How else will we finally get to the things the Heavenly Father wants for us? And it's better that we run into a lot of things that we aren't supposed to do and get turned around, than never finding our end goal. I think the thing to remember is that Heavenly Father isn't upset when we move towards things that we don't know are wrong for us. Just like, I know Eli doesn't know what a lot of the things are that he's trying to get into. I get shocked sometimes, but I'm not angry with Eli. And just like Eli, I know I get frustrated when I'm moving along and God says "hey don't touch that" or "I know it looks shiny and pretty, but it's not a good thing for you to have." I just hope like Eli, I'm fairly easy to distract with the blessings that I do have and the things that I have been able to accomplish. I need to learn to trust the Lord, like Eli is learning to trust Josh and I, that sometimes you can't have things and you don't know why, but don't worry, just keep moving and I'll let you see so many other things that you can have and that will be good for you. For now, just trust me, and I'll keep you safe and help you to be happy in the end.