(These Pictures are from September 2012)
I've been meaning to post about this since about this day, but I learned an important lesson about forgiving myself after going to the park with some other mom's and their kids for play time at the park this day.
Here's what happened: We were playing around at the park and near the end Eli got my hand and we climbed the big jungle gym together with the other children. The platforms are made out of metal with a grid of holes so that you can look down and see how high you are, and Eli was getting pretty scared as we climbed. I don't have a picture but there is a little ladder to the very very top where there is a little circle tower with toy things on the walls I think, anyway, we were just to the bottom of that ladder and the other kids were climbing up and having fun at the very top, and Eli wanted to go but he was just so scared. In the end, I held him up and I helped him climb up there (he chose to do it). I was so proud of him for trying. As soon as we got to the top of the ladder though, that was it, Eli clung to the ground and cried and just wanted down, so I carried him back down the ladder.
On this post you get to learn too much about me to find out the lesson, so here is a secret or two, so that you will understand my point. For that past few years I've been feeling really guilty about something that I didn't do in high school. A boy that I knew, committed suicide a few years ago. It had to do with a lot of issues, his life took a walk down a dark path. I've felt badly partly because I have often wondered if I couldn't have helped him more back when we were in high school. He was a year younger than me, but he transferred into one of my elective classes (yes I am being pointedly vague :-)). I didn't really know him well, but I knew him well enough that I should have said hi and pulled him in under my wing and introduced him to my friends, but I didn't. I wonder if it could have changed his life somehow, but that is something that I cannot go back and change. Around the time we went to the park in the story above I was praying a lot about how to repent and be able to forgive myself.
The thought came one night, were you upset with Eli for not being able to climb that jungle gym? answer: no. Is he somehow going to be something less for the rest his existence even if he never goes back to that same park again and climbs to the top of that exact jungle gym? no. Then the thoughts came, the important thing is that Eli will learn and grow and eventually, he will understand enough to know that the playground structure is going to hold him fine and that he's safe, once he's more free of those fears, then he will learn how much fun it is to climb up there and he will become stronger and less afraid of life. Eventually he will find a jungle gym and climb it and over all he will have learned to climb them, even if he never gets back to that same one. And I could feel Heavenly Father telling me, you my daughter are the same. When I was in high school, I lived mostly on the "fake it, 'till you make it" confidence. I put up a really good front, and I did have lots of friends, but inwardly I was really very shy when it came to speaking to just one person and I wasn't always sure how to approach people. I basically always arrived to school late pretty much because I didn't want that awkwardness I felt when it came to trying to figure out which group to join to talk to and how to do it. Looking back at myself this was ridiculous because they were my friends, but it was still my fear. It was more than I could do with my limitations at that time to bring that boy in the way I would be able to now that I have learned and grown and become stronger and less afraid. God and I'm sure that boy, will not hold that against me any more than I would ever look down at Eli for not climbing to the top of the play structure that one particular day.
In our lives, we often regret or suffer feelings guilt for things that we just need to remind ourselves were meant to be hard. And just because we couldn't climb to the top that day it is okay, because we will learn and get stronger and see more playgrounds and have more chances to look at it and learn and figure out how to get to the top without fear. We are meant to be faced with tasks that we are going to have to learn to do through first making mistakes.
"27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them.
28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that afaith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all brighteousness. (Ether 12:27-28)"
I think this is how Heavenly Father sees us, children who are still learning to trust Him when He says. Don't worry, I'm with you, you will be alright, just follow my guidance it just looks scary because you can see through the holes on these metal platforms and look down at how high you are, but it's safe, I'll hold your hand and this won't fall, I'm sure of it. Just trust in your Heavenly Father, who knows the end from the beginning and who knows who you are and what you can become. I'm not upset with you for not being able to climb this time, let's walk through this and work on it together, we'll conquer this fear and weakness hand in hand so that you will find freedom and joy in the knowledge of how things truly are and how the world around us works.
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